Anyway, for about a year, the thought of losing her has been in the back of my mind. I've already come to the conclusion that I'd have to take time off work. I would be worthless if I tried to work. I'm not sure how I would handle it. I kind of like an idea in the magazine about an urn with her ashes in it, along with a photo memorial. Then again, this would be hard to deal with every day, but would also help me to feel close to her after she's gone. See? There I go getting teary again. Let me resume this later....

OK, I think I'm composed now.

Also, I've thought about how I would handle euthanasia, if that came up. Would I know when it was time? Could I not be selfish and do it to end her suffering? Would I be haunted by the question of whether she could have made it? For my fat boy, Buzz, a similar situation came up a few years ago. He had had a urinary blockage where a catheter was needed. A month later, the same symptoms recurred, and I rushed him to the vet. As I walk in the door at home, the phone is ringing. It's the vet. He says this time when he inserted the catheter, his bladder burst. Buzz needed a $500 surgery to neuter, castrate, and repair his bladder. I was hysterical. I made the split second decision and told him to "just do it." I didn't know how I'd pay for it. I ended up writing many post-dated checks to pay the over $700 total bill. He was kept there a week after surgery while being observed and given fluids. I took him home and had to isolate him in the bathroom for another 6 weeks. That was so hard. He would practicaly knock me down when I went in there so he could get in my lap.

Anyway, my point is that in that situation, he came out fine and has had a high quality of life with no recurrances for about 5 years. He was only 2 and his chances were good.

Another thing is the story of the abandoned pregnant cat, Lucy, and her kittens. We kept her outside and fed and watered her. When it looked like she would have the kittens soon, we brought her inside. Well, the fleas were bad and there's only so much you can do for a days old kitten. The kittens started dying, and I was very traumatized. We took them to the vet who said they needed a blood transfusion, which we couldn't afford.

All the kittens eventually died, including the one we gave away. That eased my mind a bit, since the other one died as well. I couldn't have helped it, so how could I help the ones I had with me? Our friend brought the other kitten over before it died hoping it would comfort me after the remaining kittens had died. I couldn't take it and ran out of the room crying. I mean, I'm likely to be a basket case when Baby dies. I only had the kittens for 1 or 2 weeks, and I've had Baby 10 years. Geez, this is dumb. I need to just stop it. I'm worrying about things that may happen years from now. Siamese live a long time, I've heard.

And why am I so emotional? I'm not even PMSing!